As I sit down to rewatch The Way before flying to France to walk The Camino, I know my desire to make this journey was not one of religious intent.
Evidenced by the accumulation of asterisk moments*, thirteen years ago, as a sophomore in high school, I was far too focused on the wrong relationships at the time.
Asterisk Moment*
Noun
a significant moment in Jason Brown's life marred by the emotional turmoil of the then, current romantic relationship.
Origin
2008 Colloquial term conceived by his mother.
Yet, if it was the yearly listening to I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles) to mark my high school's philanthropic “Knight Walk” or Mr. Schramka having our theology class watch Martin Sheen in The Way, I have long known I wanted to undertake The Camino, but I have not known why.
The Camino de Santigao, The Way of St. James, is a pilgrimage.
The 9th century discovery of St. James' remains in Northern Spain would lead many to leave their homes and travel to the shrine of the St. James within the Cathedral of Santiago de Compostela.
As every pilgrim simply walked from their front door to Santiago, today you can find many routes to complete this pilgrimage.
At 16, the idea of walking 500 miles across Europe drew me beyond the small, less than 300 student, suburban, Wisconsin, high school I attended.
So, with The Way in mind, I graduated high school, enamored by the idea of traversing the Pyrenees, strolling along the paved and dirt roads of Spain, encountering strangers in conversations, and God in silence.
Yet, as I moved to Omaha, an asterisk moment and my first encounter with the Jesuits, I found myself surrounded by others who were attracted by the allure of the pilgrim's journey, but never anyone who had actually undertaken it.
What seemed like a life-changing, deeply meaningful journey was always a bucket list item that was put off until retirement, a life crisis, or some very specific moment.
It was always reserved for later, to mark an end, never a beginning.
So, upon graduation from Creighton University, 7 years after watching The Way, I decided I would walk The Camino at the age of 25.
25 seemed to be the year
I would usher in true adulthood.
25 was the year I would have my life together. I was to be well on my way to finding a city I wanted to live in, figuring out what I wanted to do with my life, paying off my student loans, and starting a family.
Yet, 25, much like the others, is just another year.
Like the anticlimactic celebrations of the new year, I was the same 24-year-old from 11:59, as the clock struck 12:00 to signal my sudden transition into adulthood.
Even now, some 7 years after heeding God’s call to become a teacher, 6 years after answering his call to move to Houston, now 28, I am the 24-year-old playing the adult.
What [Jesus] proposes isn't a human happiness… but a surprise from God granted precisely when and where we thought it impossible. Fr. Jacques Philippe The Eight Doors of the Kindgom: Meditations on the Beatitudes
Over the past 6 years,
I moved to a new city with no family
Taught one semester before a pandemic forced me to live alone
Suffered the anguish that came from these hours alone
Endured some of the toughest asterisk moments to date
Coached a fall and spring sport with 6 am practices while teaching an extra course load
Become the scapegoat for the failures of many families and their sons
Watched helplessly as my body shut down from exhaustion with no one to call
I completed a master’s degree designed for in-person instruction, on Zoom, 9-5, every other Saturday for two years, working on assignments amidst teaching and coaching.
I became the sole teacher for an entire on-level course: 11th Grade English, the most hated class during the mOsT iMpOrTaNt AcAdEmIc YeAr.
I stepped into the vacated role of head coach for a sport I have never played, while parents and players alike chastise me for my attempts to build accountability, teamwork, and culture.
I restarted this blog to speak into the isolation and burnout that have left me questioning the many topics you have read about.
I have tried to be a brother, son, grandson, and friend.
However, I cannot answer where I would live if I could be anywhere, what my dream job is, what I would do with $100,000, or when I will be able to care for my own children, not made to be a faux au pair for those who shirk the responsibility of their life choices.
God is able to do immeasurably more than all you ask or imagine.
God, not life—whatever metaphysical understanding we might have of it—works on His time and provides opportunities when they are most ready to be received, never giving more than we can handle.
He is never late.
He is always on time.
He places on us only what we can handle.
So I listen.
Taking time to discern God’s call in my life has long been a pivotal step in my acting.
Having completed the 19th annotation of the Spiritual Exercises during my year of service at Rockhurst High School, it was abundantly clear God was calling me to be a teacher and leave behind the life I thought I was to have in Kansas City.
Struggling to build upon that experience and develop a prayer life after 9 months of daily Holy Hours, three years after my move, I traveled to Sedalia, CO, to attend a silent retreat tucked away in the mountains. This time provided an opportunity to stop and reflect on why God called me to this vocation and to this place.
My experience, along with my spiritual director, provided me with the peace to sustain the grueling journey I was being asked to continue.
However, it was my return to Spain during the Spring of 2023 that proved to be the moment God told me it was time to finally make The Camino.
I have a confession to make.
Some of you may look at me differently.
But yes,
I did
in fact,
Study. Abroad.
It was on my return to Spain in 2023, visiting spots I was fortunate enough to see during my semester at Saint Louis University's Madrid Campus, that I was reminded of the profound effect Iñigo, the Jesuits, and my 6 months in Spain had on my faith.
Still, with no clear reason why I wanted to, I was reminded that I had decided to walk 500 miles through this country because of a movie I watched, at that time, 11 years ago.
God planted a seed.
A seed to be cultivated in an untraditional sense.
It would not be with consistent, measured water and sunlight, or nutrient-dense soil—not even the occasional conversation—that this seed would grow.
It would not be tended to at all, but forgotten on the windowsill, left to the whims of those who chose to shake the dry dirt, move the pot to the shade, or offer a small drop of Diet Coke at 9:30 am in the teacher's lounge—something to take the edge off.
This seed would be left until the last moment.
The moment just before the outer husk was to be penetrated, and the contents laid waste.
The moment it was ready to be properly cultivated.
God's works on His time.
For four years, I listened to a song about walking 500 miles to prepare for a 6-mile walk around Whitefish Bay, WI to raise money for my high school.
Mr. Schramka, the same teacher I publicly bemoaned for making my class memorize and recite Psalm 23 in a long-gone dialect of English, would show The Way and later become my confirmation sponsor.
Five years of planning to study abroad in Sweden would fall through, forcing me to trust in my academic advisor. An advisor who was assigned to me despite my requesting another. An advisor who was once a student at SLU Madrid and took classes under the school's then Dean. A dean who would help me secure a work-study position to afford the semester abroad.
My untraditional decision to study as a second-semester junior would not derail my degree, as I could take upper-level business and English courses that would transfer back to Creighton: SLU and Creighton are both Jesuit universities.
I would not travel every weekend, but go on a retreat to St. Ignatius' Castle, have mass in the Chapel of Conversion, wander the streets of Azpeitia, only to return to the same castle, have mass in the same space, and walk the same streets 6 years later.
Missing the application dates for graduate schools, I would become a volunteer teacher, despite vehemently denying this impending reality to everyone who lazily assumed the English major would be a teacher.
Instead of teaching in Denver, which I stated was my top preference, I was assigned to Rockhurst High School in Kansas City (MO), where, living in the school, beneath my bedroom was a spirituality center that would lead me through the Spiritual Exercises.
These Exercises would lead me to Texas, where, through a small asterisk moment, some persistent colleagues, and a return to Spain, I was reminded of the dream that was left on the shelf.
What [Jesus] proposes isn't a human happiness... but a surprise from God granted precisely when and where we thought it impossible.
There was never a decision to walk The Camino.
As a sophomore in high school, I would have gone on The Camino because my insecurities wanted me to sound worldly and my ego wanted to stand our from the other guys.
However, as a 28-year-old, 7th-year teacher, I can say that I never actually wanted to go on this journey: my superficial desires were not enough to sustain 13 years of inattention, failed plans, and unlikely career parts.
There was only a call.
A call to listen.
To not read.
To not speak.
To not ask.
But, to listen,
deeply,
intently,
without motive.
Far too often, we wait for the end to signal the beginning.
We delay.
We succumb to the force of Resistance and its ability to make us complacent, discouraged, or preoccupied.
We wait for a moment — the perfect moment — to act.
Yet, this world is not perfect, and this moment will never exist.
So I ask, what are you waiting for?
Not to stoke the flames and ignite the fire, but call you to a contemplative stillness.
What moment are you hoping comes to fruition by chance, years in the future?
What has made your bucket list, only to be overwhelmed by life's demands?
Where do you want to go?
Who do you want to see?
What do you want to change?
Who do you want to be?
What seed has God planted in your life?
As I walk, I pray you find the time to cultivate a more profound awareness to these questions.
That you unearth the seed so deeply sewn, the beaks of birds, paths of worms, and roots of surrounding plants have left it untouched.
I pray you find the faith to cling to this seed.
To use this seed as a guide, not a goal.
To not latch onto an ideal, but be open to a timeline and outcome beyond your mind's conception, knowing that you need not do anything more than give God the single moment in front of you, day after day, step after step, confident that He will place the next brick on our path at the precise moment it is needed.
And though the seed may be dormant for years, you remain steadfast in your belief that God will come to tend the soil and reap the harvest of the seeds he planted when the time is best: just have faith.
God is able to do immeasurably more than all you ask or imagine.
The invitation may not be 500 miles.
It may be restarting the book you have put down more times than you can recall.
Watching the saved YouTube video on the hobby you have wanted to try
Buying the expensive piece of gear that will force you to commit to your next adventure
Following up on a text, call, or email that has left you to contemplate what the person on the other side feels as the gap of time grows between the last message.
God is present in every moment, no matter the magnitude.
He uses every moment, no matter the magnitude.
What may seem small now, will be the first step to be compounded on.
The interest paying dividends for the rest of your life.
Whatever that step may be.
Wherever this journey may take you,
For the next 38 days, this is my two word prayer for you:
Buen Camino — May Your Path Be Good
P.S. — If you thought I was going to take the easy way out and not post a playlist for July, you have not listened to a single playlist I have posted over the last year. Yes, you can sit in that shade, it's hot, it's summer, it's fine.
But actually, Buen Camino (7/24) is both on Apple Music and Spotify, along with all my other playlists from the last year. You can find it on “Current Playlist” under JBJListens or on either my two profiles @JBJ_17.
If you are really lost, use the picture below as a guide.
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